Thursday, January 14, 2010

dinner






There is this thought

that the more we wake up

the more joy infiltrates

the more bliss dominates

but how am I to believe this?

I eat

my dinner

and watch

my family

laugh, and drink

and make silly jokes

and I feel how much I love them, how much I fear this moment

to change

so it's easier to block it out, find something wrong

than to let my heart swell and break with the truth

that the love in this moment of laughter and health

is more than my little heart can hold

or my eyes can see

and so they fill

with tears

of discomfort

of fear

that this moment will pass today

or someday forever

be gone

from my lense

my glove

my table.

My children

chubby-cheeked, sweet eyed and sassy

My husband, strong and willed, optimistic

my skin clothed and hearth warm

that the need in my belly, should it not be filled

with this I could die

loveless, empty

void of blessing or luck

or worse

robbed of what beauty had given me so generously

right now in this moment

as they laugh and eat

my attachment grips me

tight

and I run

to the bathroom where mirrors are small

enough to avoid

and far where small sounds of weeping cannot

be heard and the cloth

of tissues can sweep away the open wounds of my strangling love

dumping me in the lap of the moment

revealing pain as truth and love

as duality. Moment as short.

Children as miracle. Husband mortal. Self;

permeable.




2 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh Ananda, I feel your pain and I remember those moments when family life was so sweet. The only certainty we have in life is change. This means the good times will move on and those times we find most difficult will also change. My children are grown now and there are times, especially when they were in the process of moving out, that I could have sat and wept for the lost idyllic moments when we were all together and happy. What I have now learned is that those moments of the past are the bedrock of the future - we did it, we did our best, we loved, we enjoyed, we laughed. These shared moments of happiness and joy are the bricks of joy upon which we build our future. They give us strength to face whatever needs to be faced. Yes, things will change, that precious moment will never come again in its wonderful uniqueness. It couldn't, the next wonderful moment will be different because circumstances and people will have changed. You do not have to fear it, there will always be apprehension and we can never know what is around the next corner, but whatever happens, that time too will be lived through.

Light said...

Lovely. Simply delightful imagery.